genefriedman

Honestly i feel like people are just losing sight of what's really important when it comes to life. It just seems like people are more apt to let petty conflicts and minor things ruin relationships. It seems like people really don't wanna do as much because of how technologically dependent we as a society have become. I mean as a society we may have advanced quite a bit technologically (that's putting it mildly),but in terms of socializing i think we've gone down quite a bit.

I say this because of how prevalent things like facebook are. I mean sure people talk, but they don't do so in person which is just completely different. I mean i feel like because people don't talk as much in person that just makes it harder for people to be empatheic since when you talk to someone via a laptop its as if the whole human part of socializing is kinda stripped away since you don't hear the other person's voice, see their body language, or really feel the emotions behind what there telling you as well as one would if it was in person which to me kinda defeats the whole point of socializing in the first place since it takes so much away from it.

I honestly think that technology is slowly making people dumber over time. I say this only because of how much alot of people depend on it to live. I mean sometimes i just don't think people can do much of anything without a piece of technology by their side.

Also its making people more egocentric over time. I feel like nowadays nothings ever good enough for people...it's like the minute something more advance comes out they have to have it even if they don't necessarily need it they'll still throw money away just to have it. It seems like all society (well, american society anyway) wants is for everybody to strive to be better then everybody else even if it means stomping on others in order to do so. Its like everybody's in competition with everybody else and only those who are the best will ever get any real recognition and respect. To me this is part of the reason why people aren't empatheic.

I feel like i have some ideas of what love is and what it means to love somebody (i mean as more then just a friend obviously) , but i don't think i fully understand these ideas. I mean to me when you love somebody just being around them is enough to make any day amazing. If you love somebody then all you want to do is be with them and just give them the world (i don't mean this in a materialistic way). I mean you just wanna make their life as easy and enjoyable as possible. To me if you love someone you accept them despite any mistakes they may have made.

Basically if you love somebody you stick by them for better and for worse...you love them for their "blacks, whites, and all the grays in between". If you don't love them in this way then to me you really don't love them. In fact sometimes i feel like if you really love someone then the "blacks" make you appreciate them and love them more since they manage to be as beautiful as they are despite all the "black".

To me if you love someone then all you ever do is priortize their feelings before anyone else's. You just have this unbelievable feeling in your heart when you're in love with somebody. I mean when you love somebody all you ever wanna do is be with them physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I mean when you love somebody the smallest things that they do or say always puts a smile on your face and fills one's heart with an uncanny joy. Also if you love somebody then i feel like your always willing to go above and beyond for them if the occasion calls for it.

I feel like when you love someone then you always tell them what they need to hear it even if it pisses them off because you always have their best interests in mind. Also when you love someone everything that you do or say to them is always done with good intentions behind it even if it doesn't always come out right. But more importantly if two people really love each other then every fight that they have is resolved at some point because in the end the love that they have will outweight any petty conflict, as well it should.

Recently, i've been reflecting on the changes that i've made compared to how i used to be in the past. All i can say is that although i may not be perfect...i know that i've come a long way and will continue to do so as time goes on. Now i'm far more socially active then i've ever been. Almost everyday i end up getting together with a whole bunch of my friends and having a blast. But more noticeable then this is the fact that i'm nowhere near as quiet as i used to be. I mean now i actually engage people in conserverations rather then waiting for them to engage me. I can honestly say i wish i had been more apt to take the intiative when it came to interacting with people in the past.

Also now its become far easier for me to open up about myself and actually talk about my problems with people instead of hiding them with silence and withdrawal...granted sometimes i still do this unfortunately. In my opinion my most astounding change is the fact that i've learned to trust people more. When i was younger, i was always extremely hesitant to friend people because i didn't know whether they would try to take advantage of me.

When i was younger i never really cared what people thought of me and to some degree i still don't. I feel like i have really learned what it truly is to be empatheic whether then just feeling bad for someone. I feel like i've become a hell of a lot kinder then i was when i was a kid. I mean when i was a kid i never did anything terrible or malicious but i hardly ever offered to try to help anyone. I would only helped if i was asked to.

I remember the summer prior to starting my first semester. I remember how all i wanted to do was just go to the classes and come back home. I remember my parents both urging me to make friends. I'll never forget my mom saying to my dad "Now you have to undo having taught him that he has to be perfect and that he doesn't need to have friends" because she believed that he was to blame for the fact that i didn't have friends and that i was obsessed with exceling in stuff (particularly school). All my dad said was that I took stuff he said to an extreme, which i did at times. I remember not wanting to because i was scared that it would interfere with my grades and cause me to start eventually spiraling into failure since it would distract me and divide my attention.

Eventually i started to gradually socialize more since instead of only seeing the friends that i currently hangout with most, if not all, of the time during card game tournaments as i used to i started hanging out with them every tuesday as well. Then as the years progressed i started hanging with them more often then that.

Then recently when i met one friend in particular my socializing sky-rocketed. Also this friend instilled so much into me. Meeting this person made me so much more confident in what i could do and made me assert myself more then i ever have. This friend also changed my way of perceiving this world as well as my beliefs about this world, which was something that i never thought would happen since i was pretty rooted in my believes. If it wasn't for this friend then even though i would've still been socializing a bit more, but nowhere near as much plus more importantly my old believes about the world would've remained intact which i'm sure, in the long-run, would've crippled me and caused me to be miserable. So i thank that friend for everything they've ever done for me in the short time that i've had the pleasure of calling that person my friend. This is truly my biggest change of all time.

This entry covers my life from age 5-13 (i'm not really gonna mention my age, i'm just saying it now in case anybody is curious that's all).

When i was younger, i remember being teased so much. I remember only having one or two friends. I remember how much my father use to tell me to not worry about the fact that i didn't have alot of friends. I mean the one or two friends that i did have never came over my house and i never hung out with them after school which was something my mom would often get angry about.

He used to tell me that if anyone teased me then i should tell them to go fuck themselves lol. Plus he would always tell me (he still does) that i'm his best friend and that all that really manners is me and him. I was 9 or 10 when he would say these things to me. I remember trying to make friends and always being take advantage of. I was always so shy and i really didn't like to intiate any interactions when i was little. I'm still shy even to this.

I mean hell i remember at one point my mom told my dad that i needed to go out more since all i had was one friend and cartoon network (i use to love watching cartoon network back then). My mom always wanted me to see a therapist, but my dad never believed in any of that and use to say that he would be the one to help me. I talked to myself back then (unfortunately i still do now, but alot less) and all my dad would say is that he was gonna stop me of that habit even if it killed him.

I remember as i got older how i decided that it was better to be alone then to deal with people since most of them were, in my opinion at the time, assholes who didn't even deserve to exist in the first place. I used to wish that i could destroy the world which i think was why deathnote used to appeal to me so much. Also i began to feel that being alone would make me stronger since i would be more self-efficient, more rational, better able to control my emotions, and plus i wouldn't have to deal with the horrors of the world around me as much.

I used to believe that i was better off not having emotions since all they did was blind people and make them inefficient when it came to living and functioning. I mean now i realize that i took my dad's advice to drastic extremes because of the frustration i had about being teased, the fact that i felt like my kindness was always unappreciated and useless.

I remember how much i use to really hate myself since i felt like i couldn't do anything right (sometimes i still feel this way about myself). I always use to cry if i got yelled at because i felt like i had failed myself and i felt like i was really stupid for not being able to get something right on the first attempt.

I know it didn't help that at the time my parents split up. Sometimes i think back and say that i must've had suicidal thoughts but that i know i couldn't have acted on them even if i knew i had them. I remember how pessimistic my view of people and the world in general was. I remember how i would argue and bad-mouth almost anything. I would always look at the glass half-empty so to speak. Plus i really began to realize how crazy my mom really is and can be at times. The way she shouts when she's pissed, the degree she's willing to drag things out, and how insanely malicious she can be when she wants to.

I'll never forget how horrible it was when she got my dad falsely arrested. She accused him of hitting her even though he never even layed a hand on her. I remember him telling the officer that if he had struck her her face would've been visibly bruised but unfortunately since the call was made they had to keep him in jail for two days so that they could find out whether or not he was telling the truth. I remember how much i cried when i saw the officer point a gun at my father and tell him to put his hands on the ground. I remember hugging him while he was in cuffs and he was crying a bit too. I don't think i'll ever forgive her for doing that to him. My father always stuck up for me whenever my mom gave me any problems and he still does even to this day.

Thankfully, even though i had developed such deep-rooted hatred of the world i still managed to retain my kindness. Its just that i never really showed it unless someone intiated with me first. Plus it always took me so long before i would really trust someone because i was always afraid of being hurt by people (i'm still scare of that even now...obviously to a far lesser degree though).

I remember how i use to always get so annoyed at my dad for being so repetitive, overly organized with stuff, and for always bombarding me with a million questions whenever i wanted to go and do something. I would be annoyed at my mom every Christmas because i always felt like she went overboard with it, to the point that i never really wanted to celebrate it after a while :(. I mean i use to tell her that all that matters is that we're all together as a family and she used to make such a big deal if i didn't wanna put up the tree or any decorations. I mean she would end up shouting at me and my dad. I know it seems dumb on my part, but the only reason i use to get mad is because i always felt like she didn't understand what the main point of the holiday was in the first place. Plus i always just wanted to relax and enjoy the togetherness instead of putting up decorations.

When i went to highschool, i improved since i had more friends and began to be more outgoing. But i still hated the world to the point where i would argue with anyone who tried to say anything optismistic about it. I remember saying to myself that i was gonna become emotionally detached so that i would be able to handle this world better and because back then i felt emotions were nothing but a burden.

I remember that even as a kid i did well academically. I mean hell when i was 11, i remember the vice principal of my old elementary/junior highschool telling my dad that my reading level was higher then most regular ed kids which was amazing since i was in special ed at that time. Then i got into regular ed. I was in special ed because i had focusing problems...i mean i still do but like many of my previously mentioned problems its not as bad as it used to be lol.

I use to say that i had to be perfect since only when i excelled in something whether it was school or a stupid videogame that was the only time when i felt like i could love myself and be proud even if it was only for a moment. I remember how much i would panic if i felt like i was gonna do terrible on a test.

I remember how much i use to fear losing because i felt like if i lost once then it be the beginning of what would become a downward spiral and that i would eventually grow up to become a failure and never succeed again. I use to say that if i failed one test or got a shitty grade on it then i would do worse on the next and so on. I remember my dad always saying a million and one times that i was gonna pass and that even if i didn't that it wasn't the end of the world. I mean now i obviously know he was right. Plus most of the time he was always right.

The only reason why it persisted despite the fact that he was right was because (1) i felt that he was over confident in my abilities/potential in general and (2) i really felt like i could slip at anytime since my good grades never came easy, i always had to study rigorously unlike some kids who didn't have to commit so much time in order to achieve the same grades.

I used to believe that people were always in competition with me...particularly my dad who i use to get sooo pissed at if he beat me in a game or did better then me at something. I believed this because it always seemed like when i loss even though i would take it well someone would always criticize me plus i really hated when people would trash talk me during a competition or afterwards. I use to interpret the trash talk as the person being an over-confident prick.

I remember that when i was teased i would just become withdrawn, quiet, and keep thinking to myself things to the effect of " I wish i was big enough to fucking kick your ass" and i would sometimes think about what it would be like to do so. I always remember coming home and when alone replaying any daily events of having been teased and saying to myself what i wished i had said to them. I wish i was more assertive and confident back then.

I eventually said to myself that i would be alone since in doing so i would be more self-effeicient and all that such which would allow me to be better then those who ever tried to compete with me in anything. In other words, i would always be closer to perfection then other people (That may sound familiar to a few people). I always tried to have fun with anything competitively but whenever i started to lose consistently these feelings of worthliness would just sink in and i would begin to get angry and wanna prove to myself that they weren't true.

But there were people who use to remind me of the fact that my kind-hearted nature could be appreciated. That not everybody interprets it as a sign of weakness or sees it as something that can be exploited. I mean although i had alot of ill-feelings i always was and still am a kind-hearted person which is something that i'm glad people now were able to and still are able to see in me.

When i think back to how i was as a child, i realize how unusal i was. I mean i was overly-sensitive, shy, smart, asocial, and too kind for my own good. I mean hell i remember how much separation anxiety i had during my first two or three weeks in the third grade (because my parents were in the process of breaking up). I couldn't even listen to what the teacher was saying during 80-90 % of the day plus i remember how the teacher had to ignore the random bursts of crying that i would go through since if she didn't then obviously nothing would've been taught. Luckily for the class i wasn't at all loud when i cried lol. Plus i remember how my dad had to really pull through and make sure my grades weren't effected by this which is why he always helped me with my homework back then.

He always told me that he wanted to leave my mother alot sooner, but stayed with her for me so that i would be able to have both of them around but he just couldn't do it anymore after a while. I'll never forget when my father and i went to a court to see which one of my parents would receive legal custody of me and how much i cried. I remember my dad told me i had to wait outside while the trial took place but i begged to come in since i didn't want to be without him. I remember how much i cried while i was watching the judge come into the courtroom. She even had a security guard escort me out while the court was in session. I was 7 or 8 when this happened so i don't remember much about it. I just remember that my dad won.

I remember how prior to that court appointment my mom called a social worker on my dad. I remember having to talk to her and answer her questions. I remember how depressed my mother was after she lost custody of me and how she started to have to move from place to place. I mean ever since my parents have been separated, my mom has always struggled and as such has never been in one apartment for very long maybe a year or year in a half at most (sadly that's pushing it). I hated seeing her struggle...i still hate it even now. I remember crying at night and saying that i missed my mother. I remember that my dad never really seemed to upset to be away from her. I mean i use to always feel a bit bad or awkward whenever he asked me "who i loved more him or mom? I would always tell him that i love both of you equally and he would say but who do you like better? Just to shut him up and make him happy, i would say him because i just didn't like that whatsoever. I mean i like them both equally even though i always got along with my dad more when i was a kid.

When i got older and entered highschool i remember how my mom would smoke pot with my landlord's son. I remember she always had to take pills and would drink wine. I remember how i would always be disappointed that she did these things. I always thought my mother was a hypochondriac...but she was just depressed. I remember how she would take nyquil just to sleep and how she would sleep days away in my dad's house when she didn't have a place of her own.

I think back to all of that now and i really wish my mom hadn't taken all those pills. I feel like the whole reason that her heart is currently as fucked up as it is is because she took pills when i she didn't need to. I mean i know she needed the antidepressants, but everything else wasn't needed in my opinion.

Plus i always hated how needlessly she would throw money away on stupid shit. She would say she was poor which she was, but she would spend her money on pot and on cosmetic stuff (i'm not gonna get into that). I remember how there was always some sort of problem that she had or something she always needed me to do for her.

I remember how much of a great mom she was despite all of that. I remember how often she would scrounge together anything she could just to make me food or just to put a smile on my face. She still does which is why despite everything i will always love her.

I remember that whenever i was on the phone with my dad while he was at work. I would always get annoyed because my mom would always keep asking me to tell him stuff while i was in the middle of trying to say something to my dad. I remember that after a while my dad would get annoyed and say that i'm not speaking clearly. I hated always having to hear my mom say stuff to me while dealing with my dad on the phone because i didn't like being the middle man. Plus i hated dealing with my dad whenever he would say "what" with that annoying tone because he wasn't clear on what i was trying to relay which in turn was because my mom wouldn't shut up and give me a minute to tell him one thing. Eventually i would just give the phone to her since i would get so annoyed. I would always wish that i could just go talk on the phone alone...then cell phones came out laaaaater which was awesome.

I remember how shy i was when i was a little. I would never really say much of anything and even when i did talk i did i never did so loudly. People would never hear me all that well and would tell me that i had to shout. I just never liked shouting because anytime i shouted i would always do so when i was angry or when i felt like i was being attacked (kinda like a defense). I always had this uneasy feeling in my gut whenever i shouted. As if something was being shattered or stabbed. I remember that whenever i shouted it was never met with anything good. Plus i just really hated the feeling i got whenever people shouted at me because they never shouted anything good.

Tonight i had fun. I was happy that even though my tv stopped working i was still able to entertain my friends. If anything the tv going out was a good thing...i mean tv is over-rated anyway lol. Most channels usually don't have anything good on anyway. We had fun playing with the various old-school games that were downloaded onto my wii.

I have been feeling alot better about myself these last few months. I mean both physically and mentally. Physically i no longer think i have the stomach that i used to sometimes complain about. If anything i can only say that i really am happy with my body and i do feel a bit stupid for ever even thinking i had a stomach. Ever since i met on person in particular i have felt like i can take charge of my life alot more and even say or do things that i normally would've been too shy or scared to do.

Lately, i've been thinking about how people go about handling things. I mean it just seems like people always wanna do what's good for them and only them. Its like they don't even acknowledge other the fact that there are other people at times. I mean sometimes i hear from other friends about fights they have with their lovers and i feel like even though they make good points there always so quick to just give up because they believe that nobody should treat them that way. I can honestly say that most people can't show empathy.

Ever since i started hanging out with a certain friend, i feel like i have learned so much more about the world around me. I feel like nowadays most people don't know what it is to love another led alone actually be in love with somebody. I mean i feel like its so easy to tell someone that you love them, that there your world, etc but to actually be able to do that is hard. People really need to think more before they go around making such claims. I mean even when i was a child i always remember this one friend that my dad use to talk to, he would cheat on his girlfriend (he probably still does :( )and she could never trust him, which of course is understandable. He really didn't treat her that well and the guy was so obsessed with sex. Even when my dad would ask him why he constantly cheated on her he would always say that he loved vag. I never understood why she would keep dating him. I mean sure they would stop talking to one another for a week but she always came back to him. Then as i got older, i realized that it was due to the fact that she felt she wouldn't be able to get someone else that she put up with all this crap. I mean the guy would cheat on her because he didn't like being with her and she was obsessive but he never put his foot down and permanently turned away from her like he should've. The only reason i even feel he should've is because of how obvious it was that he really didn't love her and more importantly its what would've been best for both of them. I mean she may have nagged him a bit, but that was only because she loved him.

I always felt so bad for her especially since she really didn't deserve that crap. I mean to my knowledge, he never really put in the effort to try to talk to her about his feelings and so on. I mean i can't stand how selfish people can be. I feel like everybody lives by the motto of "All that matters is my happiness and fuck it if everybody else has to fall or suffer, as long as i get what i want i'm fine even if someone else is scarred for the rest of their lives...its not me so who cares" or something along those lines. I feel like most people don't even know what it is to be empathic nowadays.

I mean it seems like when it comes to matters of the heart people just don't think. It like they wanna fall in love so badly that they don't care who they fall in love with. They don't even bother to get to know the person long enough before trying to pursue a full-fledge relationship with them. To me that's why alot of relationships are destroyed so quickly and easily. Most people fail to realize that it takes hard-work, dedication, and committment for a real relationship to blossom and actually work.

Sometimes i really do wonder if my friend (the one mentioned at the beginning of the entry) was right when they told me that its better to be single. I really have been trying to be more understanding of the ways in which my words and actions can be interpreted by others and their perspectives in general. I can honestly say that being empathic is one of the hardest things to do because its really hard to look at things from the perspective of another person. Its like you kinda have to become that person before you can really fully understand why they have a problem (when they do have a problem or get involved in some sorta conflict).

Today i had alot of fun and saw parts of manhattan that i had never been to before...parts that i never would've discovered in a million years if i hadn't gone to manhattan with two of my friends. I feel like now more then ever i realize that its not where you go or even the way in which you get to places that matters its who you do these things with.

I mean i walked so much today and had a blast while my two friends took pictures of pretty much everything around me. Whether it was the awesome buildings and landscapes or something as simple and awesome as a particularly interesting sign or object it was caught in the lens of either one or both of my friends lens.

Plus i always enjoy how spontaneously impulsive and unplanned alot of the activities i take part in with my friends are. I mean sure its annoying but its unexpected and it really makes me shudder with anticipation when i think of what i'm gonna be doing with my friends today. I just love how a simple text message is all it takes in order to intiate an awesome day that just becomes ever more awesome as time progresses and we end up meeting people or going to places that we didn't even think we were gonna go. Every day becomes an adventure and not to sound corny...but life no longer seems like a chore lol.

As i get older, i often wonder where my life will take me. Will i end up with the things i want? Will i meet that girl that makes me wanna devote every waking moment to her? I always think and try to take things a day at a time and just live in the moment, but i can't help but think about the future.

i've been thinking about whether i'm doing something i really like or if i'm doing something just because i have to. I say this in context to my major and the career that i'm currently aiming for ( I want to be a clinical psychologist at the moment). I mean even when i was young no subject ever really interested me...so when i saw that i had a bit of interest in psych i decided to major in it and see where it took me.

But more importantly i've always dreaded the idea of my life becoming dull, rountine, and meaningless when i got older due to the demands of my job. I really don't think i could live or handle things if everyday became so meaningless that it all became an endless cycle of get up, go to work, eat dinner, go to bed, and repeat. I always thought about it and when i would tell my dad and hear him say something to the effect of "that's life, what do you want? just deal with it" it would just piss me off because i always felt that such a life isn't really living. Plus i would experience a bit of anxiety since i would feel that it could be my fate.

I had alot of fun today. I got to try this awesome mini marshmellow milkshake and meet an awesome ally whose mission also seems to be kicking the shit out of dumbasses. This ally was known only as the street ninja. I felt bad and tried to help his cause of getting back to his homeland of Colorado by giving what i can...which unfortunately was only a dollar lol.

I also feel like i really learned something today. I learned that there are just some things that shouldn't be explained. I also learned that love is often more complicated then it should be which in its own way is both beautiful and tragic at the same time.

I mean its so amazing how people who love each other can and often do stick together even when they piss each other off so much that they wanna kill each other at times. I guess that's why it just shouldn't be questioned...if two people who love each other can stick together even though the other pisses them off then good for them.

Ask me a question about each (or one) of the following:

1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Drugs
5. Love
6. ANYTHING



Then post this on your journal and see what questions you get asked.